A French baguette, but only the inside — NO CRUST
Seven slices of American cheese
A frozen waffle, cooked
A frozen waffle, raw
The ricotta layer of an entire lasagna
Half a stick of butter
Four very specific Oreos
Pizza, just the cheese
Applesauce through a straw
Macaroni and cheese, the “real” kind that cooks in a plastic cup in the microwave
A $4.99 half-pint of organic blueberries
A cheese quesadilla dipped in maple syrup
Gum, swallowed
Carrot sticks, not swallowed
Chicken noodle soup with oyster crackers, minus the soup
The jelly half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Toast cut into four triangles: one with butter, one with jam, one with mayonnaise, and one with pepperoni
Pizza, just the sauce
Around the edges of a cheeseburger without ever actually biting into the meat
A Swiss Miss hot cocoa packet
One bite each of three apples
A grilled cheese sandwich, served with a cup of orange juice so he can soak the sandwich before eating it
Spaghetti bolognese with the sauce rinsed off in the bathroom sink after he pretends he needs to wash his hands
Cheez-Its aged in the car seat for three weeks
Birthday cake even though nobody we know has a birthday coming up
Something he’s allergic to
Teddy Grahams eaten from a bowl on the floor like a dog
The dog’s actual food
Sour cream that he thought was ice cream and continued eating to save face
Those little packets of coffee creamer they have at diners
The poisonous red berries on those bushes outside
Cheerios and milk eaten from the Lightning McQueen cereal bowl, and if you can’t find the Lightning McQueen cereal bowl you might as well go kill yourself
Soap
Ketchup licked off a matchbox car
A bite of whatever you’re eating, even if you’re both eating the same thing