We Are Ending Our DEI Program at Four Loko

Let’s get something straight: Four Loko was founded with the mission of making the world a better place. Our cans stand twenty-four ounces tall for the values of liberty, free speech, and the right to booze. Every human has a mouth to drink with and a liver to enlarge. That’s exactly why we are ending our DEI program.

The diversity, equity, and inclusion program was a cornerstone of our woke turn. Now, for reasons entirely unrelated to outside influences, we see the error in our ways. Four Loko is all about reducing inhibitions. So why inhibit hiring mostly straight white dudes with names that Ricky from HR can comfortably pronounce?

The changes don’t stop there. Everyone is coming back to the office. And the office is better than ever. We’ve got Kid Rock’s “American Bad Ass” playing on loop. Every Friday, we’re Doordashing beef sliders from Top Golf. The bike rack kiosk is gone; that’s where you park your ride-on lawnmowers now. Also, the electric car chargers are plugged into a crypto mining rig, and we’ve replaced all our LED fixtures with braziers of burning whale blubber.

Which brings us to another point: Masculinity is A-OK with us. At Four Loko, it’s fine to tell a female coworker you wish you’d met her in college. Ricky in HR doesn’t want to hear about it. Ricky is watching an archival recording of the Spike TV broadcast from the mid-2000s. It’s playing in every room, with closed captions—not for the deaf bros, but so we can understand Kid Rock’s lyrics better.

We’re spiking the water coolers with creatine. We’ve replaced our Slack channel with an app that sends audible grunts. We’ve banned the book A Room of One’s Own from our library. Yes, Four Loko HQ has a library. But if you open up any book, you’ll now find a QR code to watch Reacher on Amazon.

That said, our resolve to end the gender pay gap has never wavered. That is why we’ve created a private, comfortable, women-only space for producing OnlyFans content.

Starting now, English is Four Loko’s official language. Taco Tuesday will become Raw Calf Organ Thursday. We are also researching a new word for “Loko” that is at least 50 percent crazier and 100 percent less Spanish.

To our many employees who have expressed concern over these policy changes, we hear you. And we’ve fired you. Check your text messages for your severance six-package: a buy-one-get-one on Four Loko Sour Cosmic Punch at participating Krogers. Cheers!

Now, that’s how you foster a truly meritocratic workplace.