We Would Do Something, But Then We Wouldn’t Have the Power to Do Something, So We Can’t Do Something

We can agree that the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade was a shock to us all. Who could have predicted the recent events our supporters have been predicting would happen for years? And honestly, it’s disappointing to find out that our friends across the aisle have been planning this for decades while only letting us know in books, television shows, and drive-time radio programs. That’s why this decision hurts—and surprises—all of us equally.

It makes sense you’d feel angry at what’s happening. It makes sense you feel a sense of rage. Good! We’ll need that passion in November. As the people in power, we can tell you that the best way to solve a problem happening right now is us waiting for you to vote later. Because if we did something now, some people might not vote for us. And if they don’t vote for us later, then we can’t do something later! You see the problem.

Nobody is more sympathetic to what’s happening right now than we are. For almost fifty years, we’ve promised to use every legal avenue to protect your rights. And now that those rights are gone, you’re probably waiting for us to drive our little law trucks down those legal avenues. And we will. We promise! But only after we get back some metrics on how it’ll play with voters, including those who specifically voted for us to solve this problem.

We’re sure you understand the logic here. Our most reliable base has told us they want us to do something. But when we focus-tested our plan to do something on a group of thirty-four- to forty-seven-year-old people with a history of killing their pets, we found that doing something wasn’t as popular as we’d hoped. We had to have set up a committee to rethink it. Then we found ourselves in the position of asking whether it’s really worth doing something or not if people who were never going to support us still won’t support us? You have to play it smart.

Let’s not forget that the law is a complicated thing. Recent events have turned your civil rights into a minefield of fear and potential imprisonment. In order to turn back the clock, we can’t just do the thing we should’ve done when we had the chance before. All those times experts warned us are long gone. And we should be glad: If we did something back then, it’s possible that voters wouldn’t have liked it, and then we wouldn’t have the power to do something now, which—to be clear—we’re not going to use.

It may sound like your rights aren’t a priority for us. That’s absolutely untrue. Protecting your rights is our second priority, right after supporting candidates who agree with the other side about taking away your rights. We know it’s uncomfortable, but we believe that if we work with the people who want to take away your rights, they’ll naturally stop wanting to take away your rights. And that will give us the power to protect your rights. It couldn’t be simpler than that.

What’s happening right now is atrocious and destroying the lives of millions of people. We’re going to see a lot of pain and suffering over the next few years, and even those who thought they were safe will be broken by this. It will tear our country apart. We are at the precipice of horror. That’s why we had our social media manager crush their own soul by posting aphorisms like, “There’s hope in trying times.” However, under that tweet, we noticed some unfavorable responses from men wearing wraparound sunglasses while sitting in an F-150, so we fired our social media manager. In times like these, we can’t fall into the divisiveness that we let the other end of the political spectrum completely define.

Remember that this isn’t the end. We will keep marching until we have the power to do something, like we have now. We will keep fighting until we have the power to do something, like we have now. We need you to vote like you did last time you gave us the power to do something, which we still have. And the time before that if possible. Only if we cement our power now can we finally use the power that we cemented two years ago. Then we’ll absolutely do something. Absolutely.

You might think we could rush right in and wave a magic wand to fix your rights being stolen, but we can’t. But what we can do is send you fundraising emails twice a day with the subject, “FW: FW: FW: SHAME ON THEM.”