I wish for you, baby….

Health, happiness and an Uber wait time that is always under four minutes…

To be safe from harm and safe from store clerks who make suggestions of what you might “like”…

World peace and a name unique enough that you’re able to get a Twitter handle and email address without any underscores or numbers…

To never experience the anguish of ordering a drink that comes with a paper straw…

To surround yourself with friends who are kind, compassionate and when they say they’ll “grab the next round,” they don’t buy you a $4 PBR when you bought them a $7 IPA…

To never face the cruelty and injustice of being subscribed to a newsletter you never opted “in” for…

To stay strong in the face of adversity when a mariachi band enters your subway car…

To never experience deep suffering, like a hair stylist who “did her own thing”…

To travel and explore the world and on those flights to far-off destinations, always be seated far away from any open-mouth sleepers who breathe in the back of their throats…

To be generous and charitable by spending at least five minutes a day commenting on your friend’s various social media posts…

To never face discrimination, like when you’re in a yoga class and the teacher rubs argan oil on everyone else’s temples but yours…

To have empathy for others less fortunate, like people who think bow ties are “ironically” cool…

The ability to be calm and even-tempered when you realize you’ve ordered a salad that has an uneven greens to toppings ratio…

To never feel the tribulation of being handed a business card that is one of those weird shapes that doesn’t fit in your wallet…

To be sympathetic when faced with asinine questions like “bottle or tap water?” when no one in the history of New York dining has ever ordered anything but tap…

To fight for important causes and those less privileged by always adding one of those Facebook profile photo filters that shows you care about “the issues”…

To take care of our planet and limit your carbon footprint by choosing the “combine shipments” option on Amazon…

To be intellectually curious by going on hour-long internet worm holes that start with “Why exactly is kombucha good for me” and ends with “the Hague Convention of 1899 and 1907”…

And most importantly, dear baby, I want you to know that you are unconditionally loved and that I can only hope you feel the same joy I felt the day you were born. For that was the day I got the most Instagram likes on your birth announcement photo than any photo I’ve ever posted.