Plato: You divide your dinner into three neat little piles of food on your plate. Then you point to the meat and announce, “This one’s The King!”

Hobbes: You like strong father figures, and you keep a baseball bat in your trunk.

Lao Tzu: Your email signature is a cryptic aphorism about waterfalls.

David Hume: You once told two of your coupled friends, “Just because you two hang out constantly, that doesn’t mean you have a real relationship,” thereby destroying their love.

Spinoza: You use the word “chimera” a lot, and the way you pronounce it is annoying.

Descartes: You prefer to be complimented for your mind, not your body.

John Rawls: It takes you three hours to explain how to divide a group check.

John Stuart Mill: You once gave a highly intelligent defense of the right to own Truck Nutz.

Marcus Aurelius: Your Instagram is a bunch of Marcus Aurelius quotations superimposed on pictures of you doing a Spartan Race.

Aristotle: You recently published your complete taxonomy of Heinz picnic condiments — version 12.4 — on Reddit.

Gottlob Frege: You think a lot about horses, but it would never occur to you to ride one.

John Locke: You enjoy missionary-style sex and owning things.

Ayn Rand: You enjoy making money and smoking. You do not enjoy children or the other philosophers on this list.

Nietzsche: You claim to be sick of correcting people’s misunderstandings — and mispronunciations — of “Nietzsche,” but you love it.

Hypatia: You claim to be sick of telling people who Hypatia is, and you are.

Heraclitus: You claim to never visit the same Taco Bell twice, yet your friends know this to be a blatant lie.

Zeno of Elea: Whenever you arrive somewhere, you always look surprised to be there.

Thales of Miletus: You are an ardent supporter of your local aquarium.

Parmenides: You’re the only person in your peer group who isn’t afraid of turning into your parents.

Wittgenstein: You have a complicated relationship with ladders.

Ruth Barcan Marcus: You treat people who aren’t in your iPhone like they don’t exist.

Bishop Berkeley: You once convinced a telemarketer never to call you again, since phones don’t exist.

Alexius Meinong: One of the contacts in your iPhone just says “Pegasus.”

Socrates: When the Sprint guy tried to sell you an iPhone, you replied, "What is a phone?; “What are cell signals?”; “Why two-year contracts, why not one-day or lifetime?” Then you chased him through a shopping mall.

Derrida: Your iPhone is a trout.

Saint Augustine: Your recent Facebook message to a high-school friend began, “Let me tell you a secret!” then pivoted into an MLM weight-loss pitch.

John McTaggart Ellis McTaggart: You’re late to everything yet you fail to see the problem.

Baron d’Holbach: You compare all your romantic relationships to billiard balls. When they fail, you shrug and say, “That was bound to happen.”

Foucault: You spend your weekends visiting interesting prisons.

Marx: You keep trying to get people to eat your “Almond butter burrito,” and when they tell you it’s gross, you insist that “A real almond butter burrito has never been tried!”

Jean Buridan: You can never decide how to spend your weekends. Should you stay in and watch a movie or go out for drinks? Stay in, or go out? They both sound great!

Immanuel Kant: No one has ever seen you smile.

Zera Yacob: After browsing Twitter for ten minutes, you decided to live in a cave for a year.

Judith Jarvis Thomson: You killed a violinist and got away with it.