1. “If I’m an asshole, it’s only because I’m under siege from my hormones.”
2. “Yes, I’m eating again. Stop judging me. I’m growing.”
3. “My jacket only smells like this because I was in a smoky room.”
4. “Never look at my texts.”
5. “Never look at my browsing history.”
6. “Never look in my drawers.”
7. “That pot you found in my pocket isn’t mine. I’m just holding it for a friend who has glaucoma.”
8. “Look! Three new chin hairs since yesterday!”
9. “I’d get a job, but nobody is hiring right now.”
10. “Stop asking me how I’m going to pay for college because I don’t fucking know.”
11. “I said I’ll come home when I’m damn good and ready.”
12. “Why are you worried that I’m going to embarrass you in front of your friends? Your friends suck.”
13. “If you just have to know where I am, look on Snapchat.”
14. “Why won’t my face stop breaking out?”
15. “KNOCK BEFORE YOU ENTER MY ROOM.”
16. “Do you want to watch The Office with me?”
17. “All I want is some chicken wings, and for you all to leave me the hell alone, is that too much to ask?”
18. “You will never understand what I am going through.”
19. “The empty vodka bottle you found in my closet isn’t mine. I’m just holding it for a friend who has glaucoma.”
Middle-aged woman: 1-19
Teenage boy: 1-19