“Mark Zuckerberg lamented the rise of ‘culturally neutered’ companies that have sought to distance themselves from ‘masculine energy,’ adding that it’s good if a culture ‘celebrates the aggression a bit more.’” — Financial Review

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HR now stands for “Hims Repository.”

Intra-office communication shall address recipient with one of the following: Bro, Bro-han, Brocephus, Brocifer, Dawg, or Bro-Dawg

Fluoride in the office water has been replaced with a compound of Red Bull and beef jerky.

All job candidates must show proficiency in Excel, PowerPoint, and Hot or Not.

Press releases containing the typo “pubic relations” will no longer be corrected.

Beginning Monday, all transphobic posts on Facebook and Instagram will be “pre-liked.”

Twenty percent of all cans of complimentary seltzer and sparkling water will be aggressively shaken, ensuring they will explode in the opener’s face.

Casual Fridays will be replaced with Novelty T-Shirt Fridays. Acceptable shirts include, but are not necessarily limited to:

  • The saying “If You’re Close Enough to Read This, You Must Be Stepping on My Johnson” accompanied by a cartoon figure with an oversized nose, bulging eyes, and tongue hanging out of his mouth.
  • Any line from Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby’s Got Back”
  • Any visual joke that suggests “Beer O’Clock” is every hour of the day.

Year-end bonuses will be distributed exclusively in the form of Call of Duty XP.

Emotional support puppies will be replaced with emotional support cockfighting.

The committee for protecting workplace culture and preventing harassment will be replaced by a recording that says, “What’s the matter? Can’t you take a joke?”

All employees are instructed to establish at least one burner account (Facebook or Insta) dedicated to highlighting the various qualities of manliness possessed by Mark Zuckerberg. Example posts might include:

  • “Mark’s pecs were really popping through that blue henley today.”
  • “You seem like a great son, Mark. I’ll bet you’ll be a great dad. Your father is lucky to have you.”
  • “If I had been Mark Zuckerberg’s father I would have wanted him at home and not shipped him off to a boarding school, that’s for sure.”
  • Any “Cats in the Cradle” lyric tagging Mark’s father.

All executives will keep their current titles except “Head of Global Affairs,” because, come on, we all know that’s really Gary, amirite?

Under no circumstance will anyone named Chad be hired. Stacys may be hired on a provisional basis, provided they prove willing to date a male co-worker at least two degrees of hotness below them.

Recognizing that the company name has a regrettably feminine suffix (and almost rhymes with “beta”), we will soon be rebranding it as “Meat.”