The latest over-the-air software update for your Tesla Model 3 has been successfully installed. Your vehicle is now a toaster.

Frequently Asked Questions About This Update

Where is my steering wheel?
You don’t need a steering wheel anymore. Your car is now a toaster. Toasters do not require steering wheels.

Why is my car a toaster?
Tesla’s safety team discovered that automobile accidents kill more than one million people annually. Toasters are much safer, killing fewer than one thousand people per year. We have reduced the likelihood that your Tesla will kill you by more than 99.9 percent.

Why won’t my car move?
Your car is a toaster. You are now much safer.

I was not at home when this update was installed. How do I get home?
It sounds like you need a car. Press the Bagel button to access the main menu, then tap Tesla Showroom Locator and filter by “cars” to find a showroom near you that still sells deadly cars instead of safe toasters.

I can’t believe I’m asking this, but does Ludicrous Mode still work?
Yes! Ludicrous Mode now coats any item you wish to be ludicrously delicious in a thick casing of everything bagel seasoning, then flash-toasts it in 2.8 seconds.

What about Autopilot?
Most people toast on Autopilot. You can use the accelerator pedal to toast manually if you prefer.

Do I still need a driver’s license to operate my Tesla?
No, anyone can use a Tesla Model 3 toaster without a license. It’s like owning a gun in Texas. You can throw away your driver’s license. Or toast it in Ludicrous Mode.

What do I do if my waffles get stuck?
Pull the emergency brake to raise the toaster slots. Do not stick a butter knife into your Tesla Model 3 toaster.

How do I clean my Tesla?
To remove loose crumbs, wait for your Tesla Model 3 toaster to cool, then hold it upside down over your kitchen sink and shake gently.

How do I contact customer support?
Just say, “Hey, toaster, call Tesla support.”

Can I revert this update?
No, you cannot revert this update. Reverting this update would increase the likelihood that your Tesla will kill you by more than 100,000 percent.

Oh, no. Did my wife’s Model Y update too?
Yes, it was updated.

Is it still a Model Y?
Of course. It is now a Tesla Model Y panini press!

Can I trade in my toaster for a car?
No. Cars are much more expensive than toasters. We will trade you a new Tesla Model 3 Deathcar Classic for 1,142 safe toasters. You can upgrade to the Performance model for an additional 476 toasters.

Can I talk to Elon?
Sorry, Mr. Musk is busy toasting a zillion-dollar bill.

Enjoy your toast.