“Elon Musk’s government-slashing crew, the ‘department of government efficiency,’ has been given access to the federal payment system, exposing the sensitive personal data of millions of Americans as well as details of public contractors who compete directly with Musk’s own businesses, an influential US senator has confirmed.” — The Guardian
1. Find a functioning light bulb in a busy work area.
2. Strike the light bulb with a private-sector-manufactured hammer or other hard object.
3. Note any employee who pauses work at the noise or gets distracted. Refer them for Justice Department investigation.
4. Fire the first five people who try to sweep up the shards of glass. They are obviously Biden dead-enders who just want to maintain the wasteful and ineffective status quo.
5. Document the waste, fraud, and abuse of federal workers as they stumble around slowly in the dark, often bumping into each other and the walls of cubicles.
6. Declare a state of emergency in the work area due to decreased productivity.
7. Call in one of Peter Thiel’s high school interns to work with Grok to create a new staffing plan for DOGE.
8. Authorize an immediate consulting fee to SpaceX (nominal, $1–5 million), which is developing a low-orbit illumination system to make light bulbs obsolete.
9. As employees leave at the end of the day, lock the doors behind them.
10. Rename the office to something like the Bureau of Endangered Grout Worm Protection, the Gay Communist Puppetworks Promotion Department, or the Office for Sneering at Real America.
11. Permanently close the office and terminate all its functions.
12. Post on X that you’ve just saved taxpayers $1 trillion. Elon will boost.