Mom, Dad, I’m really sorry that I was late getting home tonight. I think you’re both overreacting, though, grounding me for coming in 20 minutes after curfew.
I mean, you know it wasn’t my fault. Karen drove me to Alex’s party, and she wouldn’t take me home until she wanted to leave. She is always so bossy, and I’m always like “Karen! If consciousness is located in the brain and the brain is physical, then consciousness is controlled by the same causal chain of events that affects the physical world! You’re not actually making choices, you only think you are!” And she’s always like, “Whatever.” But what am I supposed to do? Go back to the Big Bang and switch things around to make Karen not annoying and me not late tonight?
And it was only 20 minutes. I can’t believe how annoying you guys are sometimes. I’ve told you over and over again that time as we experience it doesn’t exist. Don’t roll your eyes at me, Dad! Tell me how events in a time series can be both future and past. No, I won’t drop it! You know they have to be both in order to support our understanding of time, and that’s a contradiction. I’ve seriously told you this a million times!
You guys never listen to me! You never listen to anything that I’m saying! Li-sten-to-what-I-am-say-ing: grounding me is totally crazy. It’s not like I did drugs or anything. There were drugs at the party, and I didn’t do them. A lot of people were doing drugs, but I wasn’t. You guys are totally in the cave. Some people are meant to have power and some are not and you are obviously not because you’re prisoners in the cave looking at shadows and being stupid!
I’m sorry I called you stupid. Mom, don’t be upset. Mom, it’s just an allegory!
You would both be so much happier without me, wouldn’t you? I bet you’re like, “I wish we had a daughter who wouldn’t make us stay up until 12:20 in the morning and be tired for breakfast with Grandma and Grandpa.” You’re totally like, “I wish we had a robot daughter who is all perfect and can pass the Turing Test so Grandma and Grandpa won’t even be able to tell she’s a robot.” And then you’d be like, “Let’s switch them and have our new robot daughter never forget to send Grandma and Grandpa a thank you note or be 20 minutes late for curfew.” Well, that’s only a thought experiment, OK? Sorry I’m not perfect!
Don’t hug me, Mom! I hate both of you! Can I at least watch Gossip Girl on Monday? This is totally antithetical to the Rawlsian theory of justice!