GENESIS 1:32

And on the eighth day, God created evergreens. They would have cones and be prickly. And He said, “Lo — the little pointy ones should be chopped from the ground and brought inside to celebrate the birth of my only son, on his half-birthday, who gets born later in this book. Just keep reading.”

GENESIS 2:5

And God created man in His image. And woman in the image of someone much better looking and more flexible. And he told them, “You may eat from any of these trees that bear fruit, except for this one particular tree, for no reason other than I like to mess with people. Eat from this tree, and it shall truly suck.” And Adam and Eve sayeth, “Cool.” But thenst a talking snake told Eve, “Hey, that doth be lame. Try this apple growing off this Holiday Tree. ’Tis dipped in caramel.” And she was all, “No, I shouldn’t. But I am constantly naked, and therefore, feeling impulsive, so okay.” And soeth she ate that sticky holiday apple. And God said, “ Let it be done that every December, you bring into your home a similar tree, except for the talking snake, to remind you of your sin, and also childbirth is going to be worse than kidney stones now. And it was done.

EXODUS 3:22

As Moses was herding his flock, he saw a most curious sight: a bush aflame with the light of the Lord — or, was it a pointy tree aflame with the light of Christmas? And its plastic ornaments melted on the branches, their smoke being quite toxic, which is probably why Moses heard it talking. “I am the Christmas Tree,” it bellowed, “though Christmas is not yet a thing. I am NOT a holiday tree, but a CHRISTMAS tree. There’s also no Chanukah yet, so all these holiday references probably won’t make a lot of sense right now. But lo — I AM NOT FOR CELEBRATING THE CHANGING SEASONS, JUST THE IMPENDING BIRTH OF A SPECIAL MAGICIAN WITH VISIBLE ABS. Now go, and command your people ” And Moses returned to his flock and was like, “You guys are not gonna believe this.”

LUKE 2:17

But Lo, there was no room at the inn, and whenst Joseph emerged from talking to the guy at the front desk and told Mary, she lost her mind and climbed up a tree, saying, “This is bullshit!” And it took him a while to talk her down and into the stable, where she gave birth on the floor while staring down the back end of a goat. And so, let the people, once a year from this day forward, procure a tree never actually indigenous to the Nazareth tri-state area, and remember the subpar birth experience of Mary, a 100% virgin.

EXODUS 10:30

Twelve curses shall plague mankind, among them, blood water, locusts, gnats, lice — a list of bugs for the most part. But worst of all, once at the end of each year, every person will have to buy presents, despite not really wanting any more presents. And it will be expensive and sort of awkward, especially after God creates free two-day shipping and everyone has too much stuff. And so, they shall sacrifice a tree, which otherwise would survive the winter, and bring it into their home. And the cat will get in it and eat the needles and puke them up with the tinsel, which gets everywhere and is gross. And thenst the tree doth turn brown and t’will be Valentine’s Day, a whole other can of worms. (Worms, potentially being another plague.) Amen.