When the alien space crafts first glided over our cities, I laughed at how flimsy their ships looked and told the American people we had no reason to worry. When they began disintegrating us with their lasers, I admit I did laugh again, only because of the way people were puckering their lips and crossing their eyes right before they exploded into a plume of ash.
When the creatures finally landed and descended from their ships, and the so-called scientists began saying we needed to be cautious, that’s when I stopped laughing, fired all the scientists, and vowed that the American people would never be cautious about anything. Instead, we would send these beings back to wherever the hell they came from, which obviously we now know is Galvitron X since they have tattooed that on our foreheads.
While the rest of the world cowered in their homes after data suggested the aliens would leave if they simply ran out of host bodies, we refused to stay inside. Instead, we gathered in protest, bravely exposing ourselves to the acid slime that shot from their alien gills.
We stayed the course, and soon enough, the American spirit won out. We found ourselves marching in victory parades. Some would say that we were technically not marching because we were being dragged on leashes behind our “alien overlords.” I ask you, is it not better to be dragged behind an alien freely rather than imprisoned safely in our home? Or something?
Once more I found myself laughing, this time at the people in other countries who blindly follow the guidelines being pumped out to them like sheep, even though technically the aliens had begun shearing American citizens and using our hair in their wigs that they wear in what we believe are their telepathic stage plays where they parody us humans by pretending to go grocery shopping and continually macing one another. Some are quite well-acted.
Make no mistake, we are the greatest nation, despite what the mainstream media will have you believe. The death toll is largely exaggerated. Millions dead? Wrong! We don’t know that these people even died. It is irresponsible to report they are dead simply because we find their shoes, some laser marks, and loads of excess skin that appears to have been yanked off. While they count these as alien murders, these signs are indistinguishable from the common cold.
Of course, the fake news can’t stop putting out videos of the creatures breaking out of our chests and jumping on our corpses. Yet how often does the nightly news make it a point to put up cute photos of the aliens riding on our backs in circles, like a carousel? We think this is part of their mating ritual.
The haters refuse to look at the positive. They love to focus on how citizens are throwing up all over the place due to the alien stink we’re apparently allergic to. Look at how skinny everyone has become, though. We’ve gone from the fattest country to the thinnest within just a few months and successfully tackled the obesity epidemic.
Additionally, alien technology has given us the tallest building in the world (built out of human bones and alien glue technology). The USA is number one once again!
I stand before you proudly, unequivocally stating that we are the only country in the world to stand up to this menace like real warriors and emerge victoriously. God bless America — now officially known as New Galvitron!