With apologies to David Bowie.
Campus Health to Freshman Tom
Campus Health to Freshman Tom
Swab your brain and put your face mask on
Campus Health to Freshman Tom (ten, nine, eight, seven, six)
Commencing countdown, semester’s on (five, four, three)
Check your temperature and may God’s love be with you (two, one, cough)
This is Campus Health to Freshman Tom
You’ve really made the grade
And the Provost wants you to know we really care
Now it’s time to leave the dorm room if you dare
This is Freshman Tom to Campus Health
I’m stepping through the door
And I’m learning in a most peculiar way
And the professors look very different today
For here
Am I sitting in a Quonset hut
Far from everyone
The Zoom call won’t go through
And there’s nothing I can do
Though we’re past one hundred thousand dead
They say we’re very safe
And I think the contact tracers know just who to call
Tell my family I love them very much — they know
Campus Health to Freshman Tom
You’ve tested positive, there’s something wrong
Can you hear me, Freshman Tom?
Can you hear me, Freshman Tom?
Can you hear me, Freshman Tom?
Can you—
Here am I floating ’round in quarantine
Far above the quad
The sky above is blue
And there’s nothing I can do