Soon citizens around this great nation will enter the voting booth to perform one of their most important civic duties: choosing their leaders. With wall-to-wall advertising, talking heads on television, and the ever-present danger of misinformation, it can be hard to cut through all the noise and figure out what the candidates truly stand for. I speak to you today to remedy this, and to make an ironclad promise to you, your family, and your community: if I am elected, I promise to murder you.
My father, before his premature death in a boat explosion, used to say that the promises of politicians were worth as much as a three-dollar bill. Heck, I know a lot of people feel that way, and I understand the hesitancy to put their faith in electoral politics. How do you know the man standing before you today with bulging neck veins and a menacing hockey mask will actually follow through on his pledge to bludgeon you to death with the decorative geode from your study? It can be tough to trust again when you’ve been let down so many times.
What it comes down to, for me, is authenticity. A lot of these politicians you see are products of television and the internet, comfortable with a tweet or a pithy remark, but unable to shake your hand and hear about your experiences as a small business owner, or to jam their thumbs into your eyes and listen to the panicked gurgles emitting from your throat as you realize this will be your last day on the planet. Me? I’m a retail politics guy. I love people. I love talking with them, listening to their struggles and successes. I love setting up a deer blind 150 yards off their property line and watching them through a telescopic sight as they relax in their living room.
And look, it’s easy to have a catchy slogan. Any politician can stand up here and say they’re going to murder you. But only I can bring the nuts-and-bolts policies designed in collaboration with community leaders, business minds, and subject matter experts (God rest their souls) that mean the difference between promise and action. So, what does my “I will murder you” platform mean for the average voter? Let’s look at the issues:
Transportation: I will transport your corpse in the back of a used sprinter van to the Meadowlands, where I will enclose your feet and hands in cement and gently sink your body to lay among the reeds.
Pollution and the Environment: I will pollute your bloodstream with potassium chloride, stopping your heart and ending your life.
Health care: Nothing gets to kill you besides me. I support health care that is free at the point of delivery, with incentives for fitness and wellness programs to proactively guard your health, keeping you in pristine physical condition right up until your death by my hand.
Taking on the Banks: From the ninth floor of the atrium of Chase Bank’s flagship branch in the central business district, I will drop a cinder block on your head.
Climate: Scientists estimate that if carbon emissions continue at their current rate, drought and erratic weather patterns will lead to mass famine by the end of this century. Frankly, you should not have to wait that long to suffer a miserable death. If you vote for me, you can anticipate carbon monoxide levels rising precipitously in your home as I duct tape a garden hose from the tailpipe of my Ford F-150 into your mailslot as soon as this January.
Labor: The old slogan had it right: my constituents deserve eight hours for work, eight hours for sleep, and eight hours to be relentlessly pursued through the streets of their town by a hatchet-wielding maniac—i.e., me.
Defense: Our nation currently spends over $770 billion to defend American citizens from threats foreign and domestic. Even this sum will not be enough to protect my constituents from my bloodthirsty urge to kill.
Education: No matter what books you read, no matter what self-defense techniques you study, no matter which experts you learn from, I promise you this: if elected, I will teach you what it feels like to die.
Friends, the choice is clear. On Election Day, I want you to enter the booth and vote for me and for your own demise. I will represent your issues in Washington, I will stand up for what matters, and one day, shortly after my swearing in, I will ambush you on a secluded running path near your home and send you to your grave.