I’m a well-informed Hobbit—a Boffin from Overhill, thank you very much—who is in a kerfuffle about whom to throw my Hobbit-sized support behind. For some, the choice is clear, but for a little guy like me, I’m feeling awfully torn up, like a tear-and-share cheese bread during Winter Solstice! I simply can’t seem to decide between the Dark Lord determined to return to power and stay there until shadows drown all of Arda, or the Elf Galadriel, who seems to be great and exceedingly normal, but I just wish I knew more about her.
I’ve tried my best to keep up with current events, but my day-to-day life is quite calamitous. Between dancing, eating until I can barely wobble home, the pestilence that wiped out my crop of pumpkins, and more dancing, I barely have the energy to host Elevensies let alone engage in public discourse! I know I need to listen, especially since the Shire could determine the future of Middle-earth. I’m here now, trying to catch up on the news before making this apparently earth-shattering decision.
But for these candidates to win my favor, I have to be clear that my concerns as a Hobbit center around one thing: pain at the pipe.
The prices of pipe-weed from the East Farthing are sky high. The Dark Lord Sauron has promised to lower those prices. No, he has not shared any stone-sure strategy on how he aims to accomplish this, but it’s more about the way he says it. Also, the fact that he has run a successful enterprise in Mordor for about an age makes me trust him. Oh? He inherited the mantle of Dark Lord from Morgoth, and Sauron has historically been a failure? Hmm, that should make me reevaluate if he deserves the power he has… but what really gets my knickers in a bunch is the price of pipe-weed.
Galadriel acknowledges that pipe-weed is too expensive. She promises to fight for me and make my life as a middle-class Hobbit easier by making the nobility (like Aragorn, son of Arathorn—hate that guy) pay their fair share. I guess she also released an agenda that’s eighty-two scrolls long, which details this plan. And I’m like, how am I supposed to find time to read that and practice my line-dancing for Bilbo’s 111th birthday?!
Another concern of mine is the weak borders between Rohan and Gondor. Sauron said that the Men of Gondor are crossing into Rohan and… eating Rohan’s horses? Sounds like a brazen lie and has been reported to be such. Galadriel said it’s the Dark Lord’s fault that the borders are open—that Sauron told Saruman to drive a wedge between the Men of the West, lie about it, and then blame the Elves. But why would someone make a problem worse or refuse a solution for political leverage? Sounds too evil to be true.
Last but not least, I’m concerned about the right to choose—if a Hobbit can live in a hole. The very notion that this is up for debate is alarming to me, the undecided Hobbit, because Hobbits live in holes. That’s what Hobbits do. Hole-living shouldn’t be up to anyone but the Hobbits who may or may not want to live in them and our furry-footed deity. Sauron has taken both positions on the matter. Recently, he said he would leave our holes in peace (and not burn the Shire to the grassy ground). Honestly, he’s sort of waffling on his answer—though I must say, waffles sound great right now. Then there’s Galadriel, who says very confidently that Hobbits should be allowed to choose to live in holes or not. Which is great, top marks. No notes. Which makes me nervous.
I’m torn. Both Galadriel and Sauron say the other is a threat to Middle-earth. One has to be wrong, so whom am I to trust? Should I trust the Dark Lord who attempted to topple the White City of Gondor, dominate all life, and attempt to stay in power for eternity? Or do I trust the Elf Queen representing the coalition of Men and Elves who defeated Sauron when he tried to enslave the Free Peoples… but could maybe do more meet-and-greets?
It’s a real Bombadil’s choice.
The struggle for power in Middle-earth is very intense. Somehow, there’s still a chance I’ll sit in my Hobbit-hole and not take any action even though my fundamental Hobbit rights are at stake. But hey, when deciding between a Dark Lord tyrant who hates me and an Elf who seems really reasonable but is a little mysterious, the choice could not be more difficult. Time to dance!