Toyota Camry
I’m a regular guy like you. I drive cars, sometimes several at once, and say “zoom zoom” and “brrrrrbrrrbrrrrbbbbbbrrrrr” when I drive fast. Just like you do. I know cars—in fact, I’m married to a car, but please don’t check. So, when I look at a Toyota Camry, I see the watery eyes of a child gazing up at me, hoping they can afford healthgroceryhousingcarecaid. It’s a sad state of affairs. Purchasing this Camry from me and my boss, who will be SO mad if I miss this sale, is like taking a deep breath of clean air and exhaling. Think about that, not the car itself. And if you have doubts, just know that this—this right here—this is my face, and it’s talking, and it’s got the gift of the gab, and it’s 100 percent real human. Trust.
Ford Bronco
I’m going to get to Ford Broncos, because that’s what you asked me, a totally normal guy, about, but first I want to talk a bit about the roads your future Bronco might drive on. Listen up, this is important: some roads are bumpy, some are flat—people don’t think about that enough. If you choose me as your salesperson and this dealership as your place of business, then you better believe that I will make sure the roads are as flat as I can possibly make them. That’s a promise you can trust, because I’m a white guy wearing a tight suit who doesn’t breathe or pause when I talk. You know what Chevy doesn’t want you to know about their Silverados? They’re not actually silver. I’m crushing this. Next car.
Volkswagen Beetle
The Volkswagen Beetle, wow, a very important car that is very important to the American people. I’m so glad you brought up the Volkswagen Beetle, and I swear on my mama’s grave—no, no, it’s fine, she’s alive—that I will address the Beetle, which—and this makes me laugh like a human man—some call a “bug.” Ha-ha-ha-ha. Very funny, or so I’m told. Beetles are bugs, bugs are Beetles. Let me tell you a few substantive facts about the car: it has an engine, it has wheels, it has a rearview mirror. It is not actually a bug, but rival car dealerships want you to think it is really a living bug. It’s true; they think this and want you to be eaten by it. And I think that’s what is wrong with this nation and the interstates.
Cybertruck
I drive cars, so I get it, everyone needs one if you want to get from one place to some other second place—that’s why we’re here, talking about cars. Think about this: if Elon Musk were a woman or car, and I were not already married to a car with three beautiful engine block babies—again, please do not fact-check this—then I would have a hard time not marrying Elon Musk. This is what people who sell quality cars that actually work don’t want you to know, is that a car is but a method to a madness. I’m not mad, are you? Again, I ask this one salient question: If Elon Musk were on the market, would you? That’s all I have to say about it. Now, share in the bounty of this great dealership by giving me all of your money so I can give it to my boss, who hates dealerships and cars, and me.