On the Street
This regular fashion feature should be retitled “The Terrorist Disguise Guide.” This is a virtual road map of how to blend in on Broadway and beyond and look just like any trendy New Yorker. Oversized sunglasses? Cigarette-leg jeans? It’s all there. Complete directions for how any al-Masri follower can transform himself into Joe Hipster.
36 Hours
Seems like a travel feature, but is really just a shortlist of landmarks for terrorists to target in different cities.
Vows
Makes public the names of recently wed couples, so terrorists have no problem hacking into gift registries and determining which china patterns are most popular. Just think what they could do with that information.
Crossword
Weekly lesson in cracking the code of double-entendres, obscure literary references, and puns used by people on the Upper West Side. Once deciphered, allows terrorists to infiltrate the best private nursery schools and kiddie gyms.
Modern Love
Reveals Americans’ preoccupation with romance. Will help terrorists figure out that the best time to attack is during peak eHarmony log-on hours, when security guards and cops are likely to be updating their profiles during their shifts.
Real Estate
Shows terrorists where people live or might live. Extremely dangerous. Why doesn’t the Times just hang a big red arrow over the New York metro area, pointing down?
Vital Signs
The latest health news and advice keeps terrorists fit and hardy. Nice move, NYT. We’ll have you to thank when all their cardio training and vitamin-taking makes it easy for them to outrun law enforcement. This is the print version of an Al Qaeda training camp!