He Can’t Stop Talking About His Low-Carb Diet. So Why Does He Go to Dunkin’ Donuts, Like, Literally Every Single Day?

The Simple Trick to Removing the Rainbow Sprinkles Wedged into Your Car Seats Before Your Wife and Children Figure Out You’ve Been Going to Dunkin’ Donuts, Like, Literally Every Single Day

How to Gain Forty-Five Pounds During a Global Pandemic

He Didn’t Want All the Men at His Firm to Know He Referred to Them as “Unhinged Douchebags with Microscopic Penises.” So Why Did He Hit “Reply All”?

The One Thing You Should Never Say to Your Boss After You’ve Described Him as an “Unhinged Douchebag with a Microscopic Penis”

He Applied for a New Job… He’ll Never Refer to Himself as the "OG of Document Management Systems” in a Cover Letter Again

His Wife Thought He Should Keep Looking for Work. He Had Another Idea—Specifically, to Write a Dystopian Novel Called Revenge of the Groundhogs About a World Ruled by Super Intelligent Groundhogs Who Can Shoot Lasers Out of Their Eyes

Twenty-Two Reasons Why Writing a Dystopian Novel about Super Intelligent Groundhogs Who Can Shoot Lasers Out of Their Eyes Is Not a Great Career Move

Slideshow: The Top Fifteen Places He Can No Longer Afford to Go on Vacation

How to Refinance Your Mortgage at a Much Better Rate and Still Somehow End Up Paying Considerably More Each Month

The Five Signs You’re Getting Way Too Much Pleasure from Beating Nine-Year-Olds at Fortnite

He Promised His Wife and Children He’d Never Post Another TikTok. So Why Does He Keep Begging Everyone in the Family to Film Him Doing Amazingly Embarrassing Dance Moves That He Can’t Even Do Right?

The Seven Simple Recipes He’s Still Too Lazy to Make

Need to Spice Up Your Love Life? Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Do This!

Meet the Man Who Nearly Died in a Fire After Locking Himself to His Own Bed with Novelty Erotic Handcuffs

Video: Fireman Carries Erotic-Handcuff Guy from Burning Home (NSFW)

The Mind-Blowing Secret That Will Fail to Make Even the Slightest Difference to His Male-Pattern Balding

His New Colleagues Urged Him to Join the Company Softball Team. So Why Did They Suggest Another Sport Might Work Out Better Immediately After the First Practice? And, Also, WTF, Because There Aren’t Even Any Other Company Teams!

He Won “Dad of the Year” Three Years in a Row. Then He Admitted to Creating the Award and Burning All the Other Nominations in His Backyard

He Needed to Charge His Cell Phone While Visiting His Uncle at the Hospital. Someone Really Should Have Told Him the Guy in Room 201 Couldn’t Be Unplugged

Myth: If You Unplug Someone From Life Support, They Can’t Actually Die Instantaneously

The One Thing You Should Never Say at the Funeral of Someone You’ve Accidentally Unplugged from Life Support

How Not to Apologize to a Widow After Accidentally Unplugging Her Spouse from Life Support and Then Showing Up at the Funeral and Giving an Unsolicited Eulogy in Which You Say, “In Fairness, It’s Extremely Unlikely That Frank Was Ever Coming Back”

He Insisted He Could Get the Rock to Sign On to a Movie Based on His Unpublished Novel about a Groundhog-Ruled Dystopia. You Won’t Believe the Letter the Rock’s Lawyer Sent Him

Meet the Man Who Is Now Legally Barred From Being Within One Hundred Feet of the Rock