Dear NEW HIRE,
Welcome to Glavco Industries, the second largest widget manufacturer in the United States of America. As our newest employee, we would like to officially thank you for not complaining during the orientation meeting this morning. You wouldn’t believe how many people moan about being immediately stripped of their business clothes and covered in massive quantities of delousing powder mid-Powerpoint presentation. No matter how many times we menacingly shout it over the PA system, one simple fact never sinks into the brains of our ungrateful new hires: this is a standard business practice. And, quite frankly, weren’t these same individuals grousing about the lack of job opportunities just a few weeks prior? Suffice it to say, your patience was both appreciated and noted.
We expect that you have many questions regarding the company, first of which is probably, “What is a ‘widget’ and why are we shipping so many of them to North Korea and Iran?” Ha ha. Don’t worry. Wipe that concerned look off your face. It’s a common inquiry that will not be answered now or ever. Please refrain from asking again and understand that such insubordination will hold consequences in the future.
Our staff consists of many talented former professionals who were unfortunately laid-off without warning during the financial collapse: surgeons, engineers, educators, pilots, medical technicians. We understand that you might consider this new position somewhat of a “downgrade,” both financially and mentally; that screwing metal pieces together is “mindless labor.” But we think your skills will prove invaluable considering the number of hands accidentally severed off in our factory. Perhaps you could invent new prosthetic limbs or concoct an amazing super drug that prevents workers from ever falling asleep. Who knows? Don’t be shy. Be creative! IMPORTANT NOTE: Please know we cannot offer additional compensation for these services. You wouldn’t pay an office’s designated Fire Marshall for his or her volunteer work, would you?
Fun and Glavco are synonymous terms. Since our company was founded in 1824 by Joseph Prescott Sumner Glavco IV, Glavco Industries has understood the importance of respecting employees’ home life. So much so that we have built a small town surrounding our factory for your family to live in. You’ll never need to worry about missing your children’s first steps or words when you are staring at them from high above through a barred window. In fact, unbeknownst to you, we’ve already relocated them. And best of all, this amenity is completely gratis. We’re simply going to deduct 67% from your weekly paycheck to cover a few overheads. Don’t bother crunching the numbers in a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet. For one, you don’t have a computer. And, for another, it’s unnecessary. Consider this offer cheaper than the national rent average. Lights will be turned off by 6:00 PM to conserve energy costs. Please visit our very own candle shop owner, Ms. Gristle, located on Main St. in Glavcotown if you require reasonably priced visibility at night.
Take a moment to familiarize yourself with the floorplan. Allow your eyes to adjust to the dark, seedy atmosphere. When the steam clears, you’ll notice a lack of bathroom signs. This is because restroom breaks were outlawed in early 2011 for productivity reasons. Do you see children aimlessly wandering around with brooms? Good news: every day is “Bring Your Child To Work Day.” And what better activity for kids ages 4 and up to learn about Daddy and/or Mommy’s industry than by sweeping up metal shards? Exciting and educational.
Which brings us to hours: Six days a week. Nineteen hours a day. No debate. No vacation.
Frequently asked question: “Will I be compensated for all the overtime hours I accrue?” Yes, with valuable, valuable stock options. Each and every employee will be forced to purchase Glavco Industries stock options (DOW: GLV) at full price. In time, these stocks will generate money. “But the stock ticker says Glavco Industries is dropping in price exponentially every single day. I don’t want stock.” Too bad, Einstein. Why not use that mind and mouth of yours a little less, and start welding a bit faster? Catch our drift? Things have changed since you last worked. Question the status quo again and you’ll find yourself back in tent city faster than you can say, “How is this even legal?”
We encourage growth and career advancement through our “Spread Your Wings”™ program. Many of the upstanding gentlemen carrying whips and prodding tired laborers awake started at this company in the same position as you find yourself today. With a bit of hard work and offering turn-coat information about secretive organized revolts, you too can work your way to the top of the food chain.
Once again, welcome to the team! Do not hesitate to raise your hand and ask a superior for ointment. The shackle around your ankle tends to chafe for the first few months.
Sincerely,
Henry Joseph Glavco III
CEO, Glavco Industries