Give yourself one point for each that applies:

  • You work full-time.
  • You stay home to raise the kids.
  • You didn’t give the kids enough freedom to play outside and now you have an asthmatic Bubble Boy.
  • You gave the kids too much freedom to play alone in the yard and now they call the woodchuck under the shed “Dad.”
  • You went out for Hibachi with your college friends and didn’t come home until 8:30 pm, your breath smelling like half a glass of sake, and the kids resent you for it.
  • You never take time to yourself, and you resent the kids for it.
  • You spent $5600 on a newborn photography session depicting your baby dressed as a pot roast.
  • You don’t have enough newborn photos of your child around the house, and as soon as they’re of age they’ll seek validation from strangers on Instagram.
  • You fed your toddler hot dogs. Don’t you know what hot dogs are made of? PIG ANUSES.
  • You let your toddler go without dinner because they refused to eat anything but pig anuses.
  • You signed them up for too many extracurriculars, forcing them into a Jessie-Spano-from-Saved-By-the Bell-caliber caffeine habit.
  • You didn’t sign them up for enough extracurriculars and it’ll be your fault when they don’t get into Stanford.
  • You didn’t read enough to your child and as a teenager they test at an Amelia Bedelia reading level.
  • You forced your child to read too much and as a teenager they rebel by smoking weed behind the library and setting the building on fire with the dying embers of their doobie.
  • You vaccinated them, knowing full well that vaccines cause autism.
  • You let them watch too much television, knowing full well that television causes Jenny McCarthy.
  • You don’t let them watch any television, and they’re growing up totally out of touch with their peers and will die a sad virgin.
  • You exclusively formula-fed, the equivalent of feeding your newborn a diet of aluminum foil and thumbtacks.
  • You exclusively breastfed, pervert.
  • You’re sending your kids to school in the middle of a pandemic.
  • You’re holding your kids hostage and choosing remote learning.
  • You went back to work part-time. Congratulations on raising a serial killer.

RESULTS

If you did or did not score any points at all, someone somewhere thinks you are the worst fucking parent. Hug your kids and hope for the best.