I may not be a woman, but I am a Texas legislator, and therefore I am an expert on how women’s bodies work, especially in matters of pregnancy. So let me assure you, if a woman’s natural intuition doesn’t tell her the moment she has conceived a child, then the doves sent down by Jesus to sing the 1992 hit song “Life is a Highway” in her ear definitely will.

I’m referring, of course, to our state’s latest bill banning abortion in all cases after six weeks from conception. The pro-choicers try to convince us that women don’t always know right away when they become pregnant. They say, “Six weeks can be a late period.” This is a moot point. My colleagues across the aisle are just angry because I am willing to do what they aren’t — look women in the eye and tell them that when they become pregnant, doves will descend from on high and sing Tom Cochrane’s masterpiece “Life is a Highway” directly into their sound holes.

After all, the song is catchy as heck. And that harmonica riff? Iconic. Rascal Flatts’ slightly inferior but still terrific cover version was featured in the animated film Cars, for crying out loud! You can’t tell me God isn’t real and that his Son doesn’t notify a woman about the miracle of conception by sending heavenly doves to Earth to gently serenade her with this classic one-hit-wonder.

As a proud Texas legislator, I’ve studied the issue extensively from all angles, specifically my Evangelical pastor. Let me break down the timeline:

  • WEEK ONE: The woman immediately realizes she is pregnant due to her innate witchy powers.
  • WEEK TWO: Jesus gathers His team of doves to brief them on the details of who, what, where, and when — but not how. (How she was impregnated and whether it was consensual doesn’t matter.)
  • WEEK THREE: The doves set off on their Holy Mission.
  • WEEK FOUR: The doves arrive to tell the woman she’s pregnant via the aforementioned song by recording artist Tom Cochrane.
  • WEEK FIVE: The woman is overjoyed and gets a mani-pedi in celebration.
  • WEEK SIX: The baby, if an evil doctor hasn’t gruesomely dismembered it, is now a person fully capable of hearing and appreciating the glorious rock anthem “Life is a Highway,” thus making terminating it a sin.

The astute reader will note that the doves arrive in week four, meaning that this legislation allows two whole weeks for the woman to thoughtlessly exterminate the defenseless baby in her belly. To that woman, I say this: What if Tom Cochrane or Rascal Flatts had been aborted? What then?

I imagine next they’ll try to tell us that women don’t actually pee out of their vaginas or that they can’t just hold in their menstrual blood. They must think we are total morons. Well, we aren’t, and neither are Jesus or his singing doves or the beloved songsmith Tom Cochrane. Saying otherwise is plain old sacrilege.

Remember, ladies: Life is a highway, and if you want to ride it all night long, make sure to keep your love bits in your skirts!