’Tis the season for drinking red cocktails and devouring things wrapped in bacon while wearing chunky-knit sweaters. Holiday parties and booze go together like red-nosed reindeer and inferiority complexes. So what do you do if you don’t drink anymore? We all know that only small children, recovering brown-bag drunks, and evangelicals in ankle-length denim skirts choose not to drink. To avoid the questions and concerned faces of your coworkers, friends, and family (who are whispering that maybe you’re actually pregnant at forty-five), here are some suggested ways to turn down that glass of spiked jingle juice:
1. “I’m taking antibiotics”
Scratch your inner thigh to avoid further questions
2. “I’m training for an Ironman and I’m bulking tonight”
Carry a tub of protein powder around the party for an extra distraction
3. “I pre-partied and I’m already loaded”
Knock over a lamp for emphasis
4. "I’m recovering from surgery”
Choose an organ that no one understands and you can probably live without, like the spleen or part of your liver
5. “I’m violently allergic to alcohol”
Wince as you say this as if remembering the last time you drank
6. “I’m chewing a piece of gum and I don’t want to stop”
If you don’t actually have gum in your mouth just chew on your tongue
7. “I’m doing a detox before my next ayahuasca retreat”
Add, “I’d love to tell you about my spiritual journey in great detail…”
8. “I have to check in with my parole officer in a few hours”
In your best Morgan Freeman voice, say, “Some birds aren’t meant to be caged”
9. “I just shit my pants”
Shit your pants
10. “FIRE!”
Run