The Biblical Tale of Noah’s Ark Revised to Account for Climate Change

And God saw that the wickedness of man was great.

And the Lord said: “I would like to destroy man from the face of the earth; and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; but really all I have to do is wait and it shall kind of just happen by itself without my having to interfere whatsoever. So I shall do that.”

But Noah was righteous, and the Lord saw that Noah was righteous.

And the Lord said unto Noah: “I have seen that you are righteous, for thou and thy family continued to recycle even when the temperature riseth. Yea, for you even separateth paper and plastic containers, thereby facilitating the operations of municipal recycling services.

“Call thee two of each animal, those that walketh the earth, and those that crawleth through the radioactive sludge, and those that used to fly with wings before the oil spills weighed those wings down and so now they just kind of jump around and peck at old food that is left on the sidewalk.

“And you shall build an ark out of repurposed wood from farmhouses or factories or whatever. And it shall measure 300 Teslas in length, the breadth of it 50 Teslas, the height of it 30 Teslas. And you shall be sure to bring along thy solar panels, and wind turbines, and the like, for ye shall be many fortnights without other sources of electricity and shall want to check thy social media feeds.”

And Noah did according to what the Lord had commanded.

And there entered two by two of each animal, male and female, a number that was about 45 percent lower than what Noah and the Lord had anticipated, mostly due to habitat loss. And yet somehow there were still mosquitos, because the Lord is a spiteful God.

And then Noah waited, and the heavens were opened, the seas began to rise. But because of the climatic patterns provoked by the temperature changes, Noah’s land ended up being more of a desert than a flood. And that land was called “Milwaukee.”

And every thing that lived on the earth, man, beast, fowl, and Siri, perished, save those that remained in the Ark.

And the waters prevailed upon the earth for 150 days, and they prevailed upon the former citadel of Miami until the end of days.

And God remembered Noah and caused the waters to draw away. For the Lord spoke to Noah and commanded to wait another 150 days so that the waters could drain completely, despite Noah’s protestations that Milwaukee was more of a desiccated, waterless wasteland out version of Mad Max than anything else. Yet the Lord was insistent, and Noah was reluctant to continue arguing given that the Lord had just destroyed every creature that lived on the earth, man, beast, fowl, and Siri.

And it came to pass that at the end of a period of time, Noah opened the window from the top of the Ark and sent forth a raven, to see if there was any land left to live on besides the desert. And the raven went to and fro, until it came to rest in the waterlogged remains of an abandoned Costco and fed itself on bulk-purchase cereal and Kirkland Signature wine until it, too, died.

And Noah sent forth a dove, which flew about but found no place to land, because doves are very picky about where they alight. And so the dove returned to the Ark.

And after seven days Noah sent forth a pigeon, mistakenly thinking that it was the same dove as before. Lo, for given the years of soot that had fallen from the sky prior to the flood due to the particulate matter in the air generated by heavy industry, the plumage of both pigeons and doves were identical shades of black.

And this pigeon, incidentally, had spent most of the Flood standing in Noah’s way as he walked from pen to pen trying to feed the animals, and flying to the side at the very last second, and making loud cooing noises at nothing in particular while Noah was trying to sleep.

And the pigeon flew forth for about five seconds until it decided to land back on the Ark because it was tired. And Noah shooed it off, and it returned, and then he shooed it off again, and then it flew down to the dry earth of the Milwaukee desert.

And the pigeon returned to him, with a plastic Target bag in its beak, and Noah knew that the waters had left the earth, and the ground was safe to tread.

And Noah opened the Ark, and there went forth every creature, man, beast, fowl, and Siri, and Noah built an altar and gave burnt offerings of beasts and fowl unto the Lord. And the Lord realized that Noah didn’t really get the point of the whole Flood experience, and smote him until he was smitten.