The Introduction from the Texas Abortion Bounty Hunter’s Handbook

Thank you for your interest in saving the lives of precious, little six-week-old embryos all across our great state of Texas. By committing to join our army of vigilante reproductive monitors, you’ll help us in the moral fight against floozies, infant-choking medical quacks, and Nancy Pelosi.

Abortion bounty hunting is not what the mainstream media would have you believe. Legally detaining an evil host body and delivering her to the law like she’s a member of the James Gang is not “snitching.” In Texas, “snitches” most certainly do not get “stitches”; they get lucrative cash awards and possibly even prizes for their God-fearing work.

This handbook, which is completely free of charge,¹ will teach you five important steps to bounty hunt the pro-infanticide travesties being performed against God, Jesus, and Governor Greg Abbott:

1. How to know if a woman is about to get raped before she does.

2. Identifying when an abortion is about to go down.

3. Ways to file a lawsuit against the “Doctor,” partners, friends, family members, abortion fund volunteers, and the Uber driver involved in the crime.

4. How to collect your $10,000 bounty (not from the state, but from those listed in #3 via civil lawsuit).

5. The perfect Bible verses to yell while bounty hunting, and not just that “Strike down upon thee with great vengeance!” one from Pulp Fiction, which, frankly, is a little played out.

Before you commit to this honest and not at all abhorrent work, you should ask yourself these important questions:

• Do I want to insert myself into the most personal and painful decision a woman can make about her future?
• Can I overlook the fact that the “heartbeat law” that claims an embryo’s heartbeat can be heard at six weeks’ gestation is actually noise from an ultrasound machine because no heart valves have formed yet?
• Do I know a lawyer who doesn’t get too bogged down in legal jargon like “precedent” and “due process,” and who salivates at a quick and dirty civil suit like you’re waving fatty Texas brisket under their nose?
• Have I decided what to spend my $10,000 on and is it another jet ski?
• Am I willing to petition lawmakers to help the woman forced to give birth by the state take care of her child via health care, child care, and social services? (LOL, kidding—just a little Texas humor, y’all.)

If this all makes perfect sense to you and not like something from a rejected season of The Handmaid’s Tale, then read on, patriot. We’re pleased to welcome you into the ranks of Texans fighting for the rights of the recently conceived, even if it’s too early for a woman to know she’s pregnant, and even if it’s at the expense of everyone else’s privacy and reproductive rights. And while 54 percent of Texans don’t want to run back the clock on Roe v. Wade, old white Republican men need those evangelical votes and urgently require our help before they go the way of the dodo.

Spot ’em, tag ’em, bring ’em in, and get that $10,000. Let’s turn the Right to Life into your Right to Cash In.