GUESS WHO?: Aches and Pains of an Aging Body Edition

ILLUSTORIA MAGAZINE

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Is your pain in your ankle?
No.

After the first move, the following two cards are eliminated: 13. ankle, too tight. 19. ankle, too loose.

Did your pain appear after sleeping weirdly one time in your thirties and then stay with you for the rest of your life?
No.

The following three cards are eliminated: 3. neck only turns left. 12. shoulder doing that weird thing again. 21. repeatedly clicking elbow, exactly 152 clicks until the pain arrives.

Does your pain go away after a warm bubble bath?
No.

The following three cards are eliminated: 2. joint pain, localized. 6. headache, tried so hard to remember why you entered a room that it hurt. 11. cold tooth.

Do you have the time and energy to draw yourself a warm bubble bath, or is it ultimately more trouble than it’s worth?
More trouble than it’s worth.

Does your pain move around your body in a way that makes it hard to pinpoint?
No.

The following three cards are eliminated: 4. joint pain, everywhere. 7. skin just doesn't feel right. 17. physical effects from twenty-plus years of untreated anxiety.

Would your pain still be an issue if you stopped reading Twitter until three a.m. every night?
Yes.

The following two cards are eliminated: 1. eye strain. 22. four-oh-four error: brain not found. There are eleven remaining cards on the game board.

Does your refusal to give up fried food and sugary alcoholic beverages make your pain worse?
No.

The following three cards are eliminated: 5. intestines feel like someone's making popcorn down there. 8. headache, one hard cider two days ago. 14. can't! stop! burping!

Does yoga ease your pain?
Unclear.

Have you tried yoga to ease your pain?
No.

Do you want everyone to stop recommending yoga for your pain even though you know it would probably work wonders?
Yes.

Would your pain disappear if you could go back in time and yell at your twenty-year-old self until they agree to stand up straight and stop treating your spine as if it’s covered by a lifetime warranty?
No.

The following card is eliminated:10. crunchy spine.

Could your pain be prevented if you paced yourself in Couch-to-5K instead of thinking, “I bet I can just run the 5K,” and immediately discovering that isn’t the case?
No.

Is the source of your pain at all traceable to the time in college when you jumped out a second-story window on a dare?
More likely than not.

Does capitalism make your pain worse?
It definitely doesn’t help!

The following card is eliminated:20. chronic stress, existence.

Do children make your pain worse?
They definitely don’t help!

The following two cards are eliminated: 15. headache, children's laughter. 23. pointer finger pointed too hard.

Is your pain specific, or is it more of an abstract concept?
Abstract concept.

The following three cards are eliminated: 9. acid reflux, midnight pickles. 16. warm scalp. 18. acid reflux, saw an Olive Garden commercial. Only one card remains: 24. it would just be easier to list everything that doesn't hurt: left wrist holding up OK.