1. “Turn your head and cough please. Again. A little harder this time.”

2. “Don’t you just want to throw rocks at the Christian Scientists and say, ‘Come on, heal!’”

3. “This is going to be the most excruciating pain you’ve ever felt. You can cry if you want. Mommy, you want to help me hold him down?”

4. “Is that shit?”

5. “He wouldn’t have done it if he hadn’t had his superego soaked in Budweiser.”

6. “He kept on trying to bite the nurse while she was giving him the Ativan, so we had to hold the pillow over his head. He’s a bit more relaxed now.”

7. “If he’s complaining, he’s well. Sick people don’t complain—they’re too sick.”

8. “This is the medical intensive care unit, also known as the ‘Death Star.’”

9. “Well, hello, Mr. Uterus!”

10. “Your head is not considered sterile.”

11. “Hold out your hand—he’s giving you meat.”

12. “I usually don’t say this about patients, but he smells like death.”