The Starfleet Gazette Will Not Be Endorsing a Candidate for President of the United Federation of Planets

“After the Washington Post announced it would not endorse a presidential candidate in this year’s election or in the future, its billionaire owner remains silent as the newspaper’s staff are in turmoil.” – CNN

The Starfleet Gazette will not be endorsing a candidate in the upcoming election for president of the United Federation of Planets. This decision was not made lightly, but neither of the two candidates—decorated Starship Voyager Captain Kathryn Janeway or The Borg—has shown us a real path to endorsement, and we must stay true to our priorities: journalistic integrity and not pissing off The Borg.

Sure, The Borg have been a bit of a problem. Their tendency toward mass assimilation and the stripping of individuality and personal freedom doesn’t exactly jibe with our idea of what makes a great leader. But let’s be honest. Kathryn Janeway hasn’t been perfect.

Our editorial board wishes deeply that Janeway had shown us more qualifications to recommend her for our support. But we can’t forget her failures of leadership. Do we really have to remind you what a shitshow the Delta Quadrant was? Everyone knows that Kathryn Janeway was the Delta Quadrant czar, but it took her, what, seven years to get the Voyager crew home? We’ve also gotten reports that she forced her crew to search a nebula merely because she couldn’t have her morning Raktajino.

Also, what’s up with Janeway’s hair? Is it short or long? Her hair has been showed both short and long in a way that defies the laws of gravity. It shows a tragic lack of transparency on Janeway’s part to show us the real her. Janeway may say that she intends to protect the United Federation of Planets from all enemies, but can we trust anything she says when we can’t even tell how much hair is pinned up in that bun?

Look, we know we have received immense criticism for handling this election in an unbiased fashion. However, as an ethical-signaling newspaper that doesn’t want to rub our new oppressors the wrong way, we stand by our choice. After all, democracy dies in darkness, but resistance is futile.