When, in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one man to dissolve the bounds of pre-agreed upon Deadlines which have connected him with his Professor, and to assume, among the Powers of the earth, the separate and extended time of 5 pm tomorrow to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle him, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind require that he should declare the causes which impel him to the extension.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these, are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of A Finished Essay. That, to secure these rights, Deadlines are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the consent of the deadlined. That, whenever any form of Deadline becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to leave negative course evaluations, and to institute a new Deadline, laying its foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and GPAs. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Deadlines long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly, all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while deadlines are sufferable, than to right themselves by altering the forms to which they are accustomed. But, when a long train of abuses and MLA citations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute B-’s, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such a Deadline, and to provide, new Guards for their future Law School applications. Such has been the patient sufferance of his Essay; and such is now the necessity which constrains him to alter his former Systems of Deadlines.
We, therefore, Thomas Jefferson and the 1600-word essay of Thomas Jefferson, in a sea of RAMEN NOODLES assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World for the rectitude of our intentions, DO, in the Name, and by Authority of the good Classmates, solemnly PUBLISH and DECLARE, That this Essay is, and of Right, ought to be an Extended and Inflated Essay; that it is Absolved from all Allegiance to the Friday 5 pm Deadline, and that all academic connexion between it and the Professor of English 114: The Importance of Punctuality, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as an EXTENDED and INFLATED ESSAY, it has full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which EXTENDED ESSAYS may of right do AND for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Holistic Marking, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Use of the Word ‘Plethora’ at least seven times.