TO: All Fifth Grade Parents
SUBJECT: Supply return
Please be aware that we will be sending home all supplies, workbooks, and items we really should have just thrown away. If your child cannot carry everything home, you can stop by after 4 p.m. on the last day to collect their belongings. Don’t bother trying to get away without showing up. We will track you down eventually.
TO: All Fifth Grade Parents
SUBJECT: Mandatory pickup
We will be sending home students’ art portfolios that we forgot to show you during parent-teacher conferences. It would be a good idea to bring in a giant plastic box for the replicas of the popsicle stick Golden Gate Bridge we completed in February. If your child’s project doesn’t fit in the box, please contact us to arrange for pickup tomorrow sometime between 12:01 and 12:05 p.m. We will bombard you with reminder messages until we hear back.
TO: All Fifth Grade Parents
SUBJECT: Important documents
We just discovered a closet full of homework sheets and can’t bring ourselves to throw them out. We suggest sending your child in with large rolling luggage for easy transport unless you prefer to stop by next week on Monday at 9 p.m.
TO: All Fifth Grade Parents
SUBJECT: We overestimated!
Parents, we thought we needed all those eraser toppers for pencils, but it turned out most students just used iPads this year. So we are sending home the pencil and eraser toppers you sent in on the first day, plus the bulk order we purchased for shared classroom use. A dolly for easy transport can be purchased through the PTA. No sharing.
TO: All Fifth Grade Parents
SUBJECT: Lockers must be emptied
A note about locker clean-up: please make arrangements to take home your child’s full physical locker along with all its contents. The volcano science projects we stored there didn’t go exactly as planned. By “arrangements,” we mean “rent a U-Haul.”
TO: Select Fifth Grade Parents
SUBJECT: Re: Lockers REALLY must be emptied!!!
If you are receiving this email, it means your child’s locker has been deemed “environmentally unsafe” and marked with biohazard tape. We suggest you arrive to pick up the locker in a hazmat suit. An EPA official can let you in on Thursday at 10 a.m. sharp.
TO: All Fifth Grade Parents
SUBJECT: Workbook return prep
A note about the empty and unused workbooks we’re sending home. We plan to stuff some in backpacks, while others will be secured to students’ heads like fruit baskets. A few children will just strap the workbooks under their feet; they have been practicing walking on stilts for the past week in preparation.
TO: Parents of Children on Bus 2A
SUBJECT: Bus delay due to oversized load
Due to the weight of the marble gargoyle we removed from the top of our building and are sending home with Sammy Smith, bus 2A will have to take a detour on the last day. There is a two-ton limit on the Riverside Bridge. Thanks again to Sammy for graciously volunteering to bring the gargoyle home for the summer.
TO: All Fifth Grade Parents
SUBJECT: Oliver the Owl is crashing at your place
Our school mascot, Oliver the Owl, will be coming home with Rebecca Adam on the last day of school. He will stay at her house for a few days before moving on down the class list alphabetically until the end of summer. You’ll barely notice Oliver (he’s nocturnal), just supply him with a steady diet of rodents and make sure he takes his anxiety meds. Wear a helmet.
TO: All Fifth Grade Parents
SUBJECT: Supplies for the upcoming school year
We will be sending home next year’s supply list with your child today. We know it’s the last day of school, and you’re probably not thinking about September, but we want you to get a head start on shopping. FYI, the list is substantially longer than in the past. And don’t attempt to reuse the blue composition notebooks we only used during the first week of school. Next year, we’re asking for red ones.
Enjoy your summer!