New Adjunct Faculty members —
Congratulations on deciding to work for Jameson College. We think of our faculty and staff as family, so we want to be sure you have a positive experience. After all, we count on you to reapply for your jobs every semester. (If you’re new full-time, tenure-track faculty, you can stop reading now. We all know you were hired due to nepotism.)
I know we haven’t met, so let me introduce myself. I’m John Forsythe Smith. I’ve been president here for five years and have no background in education. You’ve probably heard something of the scandal(s) embroiling our fine institution over the last half-decade, but I can assure you these are a mixture of fabrication and exaggeration and do not in any way alter our school’s standing within the community. My fleet of luxury cars was acquired through legitimate means, and the extravagant trips using district funds were purely for work. It’s not like I picked the Seychelles for a staff team-building location. Okay, you got me; I did pick the Seychelles.
Still, I’m aware you may have concerns. To dispel the misconception that our administrators don’t provide for the needs of faculty even though we’ve voted ourselves pay raises every year for the last five years, Jameson College has put together a welcome gift for you. It’s a Jameson College branded tote bag that includes everything you need to start your semester and feel included: a smaller Jameson College tote bag. We also have many Jameson College sweaters, athletic shirts, and reusable water bottles waiting for you. You can get any of these by swinging past Lost and Found and making friends with Trina, who will let you rummage through the cardboard box and take anything you like. She is one of the best resources at your disposal. I shop mainly at Barneys.
On a business note, please contact Brandon in the Business Finance Office if there are any concerns around your pay rate or first checks. You can email or call, but I’ll give you some personal advice: Brandon doesn’t answer emails or calls. He’s often in the office between 1:00 and 1:25 p.m. He’d appreciate it if you’d confirm the amount you should be paid based on your education and experience using the formulas in your contract (Chapter 9, Section 17, Subsection B). When you see that these equations are impossibly complex, you can take Professor DelaCruz’s Differential Calculus class. It’s very popular with new faculty for just this reason, so it’s also a great spot to network and build community. Getting to know each is important since you’ll all be in competition when you reapply for your jobs next semester.
Also, Brandon’s my nephew. See, we are all family here at Jameson College.
Now it’s time to discuss the elephant in the room: the COVID-19 pandemic. I’m happy to report that since our student enrollment is up to 25 percent of the pre-COVID population, we are abandoning all of the tech we’ve been using. Committee meetings will be in-person, students with disabilities are expected in class, and anything you’ve gotten used to in terms of grading, standards, or student expectations is to be reset to pre-2019 standards. Not for the administration, of course. We’re still working from home.
Related, if you have medical concerns that will keep you from the classroom, you should know that, despite what may have been implied in your interview, the college doesn’t cover days off. The loopholes are covered in Chapter 21, Section 19, Subsection G of your contract. But physical health isn’t everything, of course, and we at Jameson College understand the importance of your mental health too. That’s why when the crushing poverty, job insecurity, and lack of respect leads you to a mental breakdown, you can avail yourself of our college’s Mental Health and Counseling Services, which are no longer just for students. I heard it’s run by one of our psychology professors, but since they’re an adjunct, I haven’t met them. Anyway, maybe you’ll get an appointment with a therapist, or they can get you a discount on Xanax or something. I wouldn’t know, since I have great insurance.
If there are any other issues, please don’t hesitate to reach out to your respective deans. If they’re unavailable due to travel (many of us will be at a conference in New Zealand for the next three weeks), do know that they’ll handle your concerns as soon as possible. Likewise, you can reach out to my administrative assistant, Deborah, who’s also my wife. She won’t help you, but we like to go through your complaints at the holiday party.
I know I speak for all of the permanent staff and faculty here at Jameson College when I say we’re looking forward to working with you for the foreseeable future of the next five months.
— John Forsythe Smith, President