Relaxed-fit jeans: Has answered the phone “Yello!” for 40+ years
Wrangler jeans: Offered you sips of his Lone Star beer when you were six
Athletic Shorts: Currently banned from one or more youth sports complexes
Drawstring linen pants: Has hundreds of celestial children who call him “Father"
Wool suit pants: His son’s name ends in “Jr.”
Silk suit pants: His son’s name ends in “III”
Camouflage suit pants: His son’s name ends in “Sue”
Adidas track pants: May or may not have interfered in the US government on behalf of an Eastern European republic
Seersucker pants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a mint julep
Swim trunks: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a margarita
Thrasher sweatpants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a vape pen
Denim shorts, aka Jorts: Has punched a theme-park mascot
Stonewashed denim shorts, aka Jorts: Has groped a theme-park mascot
XXL furry brown pants: Is a theme park mascot
Dickie’s work pants: Once gave you a toolkit for Christmas
Pants with suspenders: Has been trying to send you an email attachment since 1998
Pants with artisanal leather suspenders: Has been trying to AirDrop you a craft cocktail recipe since 2018
Hiking pants: Thinks there’s nothing a little fresh air can’t cure
Flared trousers: Recently said, “What do you mean vinyl is back? It never left, man!”
Golf pants: Spends holidays telling you how upset he is with your voting choices
Tie-dye pants: Spends holidays telling you how upset he is with your voting choices
Skinny-cropped chinos: Has orchestrated an all-fedora family photoshoot
Corduroy pants: Subscribes to at least three tea-of-the-month clubs
Cargo shorts: Banned from Nextdoor for regularly offering to solve any issue with his shotgun
Lululemon yoga pants: Hangs with the moms in the kitchen during kid’s birthday parties
Colonial breeches tucked into long boots: Your dad is Lin Manuel Miranda
Tuxedo pants: Your dad is now married to your best friend from middle school
Pleated Dockers: Comes home from the office, spends rest of night lifting weights in the garage
Plaid pajama bottoms: Begins day with coffee he bought from your friend
Cartoon character pajama bottoms: Begins day with weed he bought from your friend
Tactical pants: His name is on both government and neighborhood watch lists
Denim overalls: He is the lead farmer of a local organic collective
Denim rolled-up overalls with a belt : He is the lead singer of Dexy’s Midnight Runners
Leather pants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a skull-shaped bottle of tequila