Hi, Flag Day here. You probably forgot I existed, even though I’m always on June 14th. Every year. Same date. Usually, I’d be a little pissed that you forgot, but I understand, I’m “just a flag.” But this year I’m more than okay with it. In fact, you’d be doing me a real solid if you didn’t remind President Trump about me.

Let’s face it, we both know he won’t remember me on his own, just sandwiched here like some nobody between Memorial Day and the 4th of July. I’ll bet everything I own. He can’t even remember how many kids he has; you think he’s going to remember me? Somebody is going to have to tell him  —  and it better not be you.

I mean, he hunched under the Lincoln Memorial in May to victimize/congratulate himself about how “only” 100,000–200,000 people would die from coronavirus on his watch  —  what a victory! Then two weeks ago he teargassed a bunch of peaceful protestors so he could go to St. John’s Episcopal Church  —  the Church of Presidents  —  to hold a Bible like no human being has ever held a Bible before. I don’t have hands, and even I wouldn’t hold it that awkwardly. He said some racist shit and then essentially declared war on the United States. I don’t want to be next.

I know a lot of you are dragging me into this  —  “When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.” Please don’t. I don’t have anything to do with him. And stop saying Sinclair Lewis said that quote, don’t you fools have Google? When fascism comes to America, it’ll be teargassing protestors to stage a photo-op. It’s not that hard.

I really don’t want him to use me as an excuse to say some racist shit… again. I can’t believe I need to say this, but kneeling in protest of police brutality is not disrespecting me. What, you think I’m pro-police-brutality? The fuck? We’ve all seen him at CPAC molesting the flags there. I don’t want that to be me… again. Please.

If you love me the way you say you love me  —  and I’m not so sure since you keep putting me on underwear and bathing suits  —  for the love of God, tell him that Flag Day is just a made-up liberal holiday. Tell him Obama did it. Tell him Hillary did it, or George Soros, or that it’s just a way for Bill Gates to implant tracking chips into conservatives. Anything. Please.

I don’t stand for that shit.