Headlines in the Sports Section of My College Newspaper That Seemed Funny at the Time, But in Retrospect Were Probably Just Unnecessarily Mean-Spirited

Women’s Hockey Bedeviled by Duke, Possibly As a Result of a Shortsighted Faustian Bargain Gone Terribly Awry

Men’s Soccer Crucifies Holy Cross—Stark ’05 Tallies Three, Mathematically Disproves Existence of God in Front of Stunned H.C. Crowd

Sailors Cruise to Regatta Win, Probably on Ships Made from the Bleached Bones of Their Parents’ Underlings, the Over-Privileged Bastards

Men’s Hoopsters Outgunned by Quakers—Both Ironic and Deeply Humiliating, When You Think About It

Swim Team Makes Big Splash, As Does Giant Mako Shark Released Discreetly into Yale’s Pool During Meet

Frisbee Team Can’t Shake Tough Defense, Crippling Social Stigma

Men’s LAX Halts Winless Skid at UNH, Can’t Halt Skid of Team Bus As It Fails to Negotiate Icy New England Roads

Equestrians Gallop Away with Ivy Title—But Seriously, We’re All Just Pretending to Give a Damn, Aren’t We?