How to Save Your University from Bankruptcy During the COVID-19 Pandemic

Try making coffee at home, rather than building a Starbucks wing off the campus library.

You don’t need spin class at the high-tech gymnatorium for a high-intensity workout. Try walking a mile in an adjunct’s shoes, while pushing a cart filled with books and projector equipment instead.

Now that you’ve found a more cost-effective way to workout, close the physical fitness center and auction off the property.

While you’re at it, fire a head sports coach and save several million dollars a year.

Fire one of your deans and save $300K a year.

Fire another dean.

Fire another dean.

Fire another dean.

Fire another dean.

Fire another dean.

Fire another dean.

Now you’ve saved 10 million dollars, which is roughly equivalent to 300 students’ tuition.

Keep firing deans as needed. Remember, each dean survives off of 10 undergraduate tuitions. For every 10 enrollment deferments, fire one dean.

Worried that the inevitable deaths of faculty, staff, and students might impact the university’s image, lowering enrollment numbers for years to come? Then don’t fucking reopen this fall, you necropolitical meatballs.