Hi mama! I’m Nicole, the hospital-appointed lactation consultant. I’m here without any agenda to inform you about the myriad of options you can consider before you decide to exclusively breastfeed your new baby.

I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time. I see you’re covered in blood and fluid, swollen and discolored like a corpse they just pulled out of the river. Frankly, I’m disturbed by what I see! On your chart, I mean. It says that you’ve asked the nurse for formula so you can recover from the 3rd-degree tear to your genitals and 72 hours of sleep deprivation. What you could really use right now is support and education! I came as soon as I felt like it to educate you about your feeding options and support you until you make the choice to exclusively breastfeed.

Like I said, I am here to support you. I can hold your breast. I can hold your baby. The hold on your credit card? That’s from me too. I am an expert in latching, positioning, low supply, oversupply, and soft rock duo Air Supply. I can help with flat nipples, inverted nipples, perverted nipples, and extroverted nipples that go off on too many tangents when telling stories. Let me just go ahead and cancel that formula order for you.

Breast milk is known as liquid gold for a reason, and not because it’s also an untraceable black market commodity. Breast milk is the perfect food for your baby. Period. It cannot be improved upon in any way, so DON’T EVEN TRY. You will, of course, need to supplement your baby’s diet with vitamin D and iron because breast milk doesn’t have those. Now some mamas feed their babies a combination of breast milk and formula. Other “moms” go with formula only. Those are both great options that you can wave to out the window while speeding down the highway toward exclusive breastfeeding.

I see that your right breast is glowing red like molten steel out of a blacksmith’s forge. That’s what we in the industry call a “full-blown infection.” It hurts like a B-word, but that’ll only last seven weeks, tops. At this point, you can either drain the abscesses in your breasts with a three-inch needle or just walk right into the sea. Those are merely two of the tantalizing à la carte options available when you choose the chef’s exclusive breastfeeding omakase.

Now that I’ve supported you, it’s time for education! Did you know that breastfed babies are 63% less likely to be inappropriately glib and 47 percent less likely to go to the restroom when the waiter brings the check? On the flip side, formula-fed babies are 30 percent more likely to be obese, have lower IQ scores, and are five times more likely to summon demons. Formula is such a wonderful option for any baby you’d like to become a big dumdum who’s also a harbinger of world-ending chaos.

Now, I wouldn’t be an opportunistic feminist if I didn’t mention the maternal benefits of breastfeeding. You sort of matter too, mama! Breastfeeding saves you time and money. Think about it. All of those miserable seconds you would spend stirring formula into the water like an idiot, you could be trapped in a chair breastfeeding an irate baby.

And how about those savings? Formula costs a whopping $1700 per year. Breastfeeding is absolutely 100 percent free as long as you don’t count the $300 breast pump, $40 for pump parts, $40,000 in lost wages, and $1250 for a lactation consultant like me.

But the best maternal benefit of breastfeeding? Weight loss. I wasn’t going to say anything, but just between us gals, you look like you’ve put on a few L-B’s over the past 40 weeks…

To recap, you have so many incredible options when it comes to feeding your baby. You can formula feed or even combination feed. I think you will find both those options make a satisfying thunk when you drop-kick them right into the trash before choosing exclusive breastfeeding.

So, I’m going to make like a baby and head out. Hah! Too soon? Remember that only this initial consultation is free, so make an appointment with me if you run into any issues, which you will. I’m all about women supporting women, and now you have this exciting opportunity to support me. I do mean financially, though. Good luck, mama!