Trump’s Healthcare Plan: A Table of Contents

“President Trump’s press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, gave us a heavy book that she described as the president’s health care plan. It was filled with executive orders and congressional initiatives, but no comprehensive healthcare plan.”
— @60Minutes, Twitter

Section One
Health

Section Two
Care

Section Three
Put ‘em together, what’s it spell? Healthcare, Healthcare, Healthcare! USA! #1! (Not statistically, but you know, emotionally.)

Section Four
My plan is H-E-A-L-T-H-C. My plan is A-R-E, that’s right, you see. There are a million things I haven’t done, just you waiiiit, just you waiiiit.

Section Five
COVID-19. Dr. Anthony S. Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, discusses early work on the novel coronavirus and researchers’ heightened focus on spike proteins that the virus uses to enter host cells in both SARS-CoV and SARS-CoV-2. Then the president totally pwns him with a sick burn about his dumb white coat, it’s hilarious.

Section Six
Healthcare 2: Electric Boogaloo

Section Seven
FedEx Kinko’s receipts demanding rush shipping on a single hardbound book set with 8-inch margins and 72-point Courier New. Memo line: GAG GIFT FOR LESLEY STAHL.

Section Eight
Women’s Healthcare: LOL

Section Nine
An assortment of X-rated doctor jokes overheard on the golf course at Doral.

Section Ten
An executive order creating the Senate Committee to prioritize OTC Viagra availability.

Please note: This commission has identical membership as the women’s healthcare committee: Ted Cruz, Lindsay Graham, and a shrugging Susan Collins bobblehead, surplus from the Portland Sea Dogs’ failed “Gravely Concerned Senator Appreciation Day.”

Section Eleven
Bleach…??

Section Twelve
A chronological memoir of the president’s fever dreams while hospitalized for COVID. In these surreal and vivid nightmares, President Trump became Guillermo from the hit FX comedy What We Do In The Shadows, in which he was forced to work in a blue state with a bunch of bloodthirsty, egotistical ghouls with zero Congressional powers.

Section Thirteen
Replacing Obamacare: ROFL

Section Fourteen
Steroids: HOW TO BECOME A GOLDEN GOD

Section Fifteen
Vaccines: Meh

Section Sixteen
Repealing Medicare: 2 Fast, 2 Furious

Section Seventeen
Immigrant children and healthcare: LMFAO

Section Eighteen
Healthcare is very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very (see also: pages 19-999) VERY cool.