I’m DONNY CONNELLY and this weekend at CONNELLY CAR BAZAAR is gonna be EX-PLOSIVE!1
We’ve got an UNBEATABLE SELECTION of CARS and SUVs! We’ve got TRUCKS! You want vans? WE’VE! GOT! VANS!2
I’m talking FRIDAY, SATURDAY, AND SUNDAY!3
Come on down! Just be sure to take a PUFF OF AN ALLERGY SPRAY in case you’re ALLERGIC TO DEALS!4
You’ll be SEEING GREEN! And not like how people with green eyes see everything with a GREEN TINT. I’m talking about MONEY!5
Our SELECTION OF PRE-LOVED VEHICLES will give you FOMO!6
WE HAVE EVERYTHING!7
I’m DONNY CONNELLY and this weekend at CONNELLY CAR BAZAAR is gonna be EX-PLOSIVE!1
1 Please kill me.
2 If I stop yelling, will I stop existing? Surely there’s more to this life — more to me! — than being a screaming manifestation of catastrophic oil consumption and greed?
3 As we teeter on the edge of irreversible climate disaster, I wonder if I’m to blame for the coming apocalypse. No… I can still look in the mirror!
4 Oh, I’m alone! Sure, the “#1 Sales, Tri-State Area, Lower-North Region, East Zone” plaques are nice. But wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to share them with?8
5 Earlier, when I said I could still look in the mirror, I was lying.
6 Why is it so hard to be a human being? I pushed everyone and everything aside — becoming a shouting cartoon in the process! A human pachyderm leading an absurdist extinction carnival! — and for what?9
7 I have nothing.
8 And, no, buying myself a dog every year for my birthday doesn’t count as companionship. I own 25 dogs and they don’t care about me at all. They’re fine on their own. Just one big pack, roaming around my giant mansion, while I sleep in an RV in the circular driveway. I slip in the house once a week to throw frozen meat inside so the dogs don’t start hunting in the neighborhood. But do I think the dogs will protect me when the Final Judgment comes for ruining the environment? Not for one second.
9 I wanted to play Othello on Broadway!10
10 Or at the very least, read a Wikipedia summary of Othello one day!